The Normality of Sibling Jealousy and How to Counter It with Connection

Sibling jealousy around a parent’s time is one of the most normal parts of family life and one of the most misunderstood. If you’ve ever noticed a child acting out when you cuddle the baby, interrupting when you talk to an older sibling, or suddenly needing you right now, you’re not doing anything wrong. You’re witnessing a child trying to protect their sense of connection.

Why sibling jealousy is normal

Children are wired for closeness. A parent’s attention equals safety, love, and belonging. When that attention feels threatened by a new baby, a busy schedule, or even another sibling’s milestone, jealousy can surface.

This doesn’t mean a child is selfish or unkind. It means that they’re still learning to share emotional space.

They don’t yet have the language to say “I miss you”

Their nervous system is seeking reassurance and jealousy often shows up as:

Regression (acting younger)

Clinginess

Interrupting or competing for attention

Anger toward a sibling or parent

All of these are signals, not flaws.

What children are really asking for under the jealousy is usually one simple need:

“Do I still matter to you?”

Children don’t measure love logically, they measure it through presence. Even small changes in routine or divided attention can feel huge in a child’s world.

How to counter sibling jealousy (without guilt or perfection)

The goal isn’t to eliminate jealousy, it’s to soften it by building security.

1. Prioritise small, predictable one-to-one time

This doesn’t need to be long. Ten uninterrupted minutes where your phone is away and your child leads the play can be incredibly regulating. Consistency matters more than duration.

“Every day after dinner, it’s our time.”

Predictability reduces competition.

2. Name the feeling without shaming

When you put words to emotions, children feel seen.

“It looks like you’re feeling upset because I’m feeding the baby.”

“I wonder if you’re missing me right now.”

Avoid telling them they shouldn’t feel jealous. Validation doesn’t reinforce jealousy, it calms it.

3. Separate the child from the behaviour

You can hold boundaries and empathy.

“I won’t let you hit, but I know you’re feeling really big feelings.”

“You’re allowed to feel jealous. I’m here.”

This teaches emotional safety without rewarding harmful actions.

4. Invite connection, not comparison

Avoid phrases like:

“You’re the big one, you should understand”

“The baby needs me more”

Instead try:

“There’s room for everyone here.”

“My love doesn’t run out.”

Comparison fuels insecurity. Connection builds trust.

5. Include siblings without forcing responsibility

Let older children feel included by choice, not obligation.

“Would you like to help, or would you rather read with me after?”

“You get to choose.”

This preserves autonomy and prevents resentment.

A gentle reminder for parents

You are not failing because your children compete for you. You are important to them. Jealousy is often a sign of a strong attachment not a weak one.

Your job isn’t to divide yourself perfectly. It’s to return to connection again and again, in ways that feel human and sustainable.

Some days will be messy. Some children will need more reassurance than others. That’s normal too.

In calm moments, security grows

Sibling jealousy doesn’t disappear overnight. But when children repeatedly experience:

Being chosen

Being heard

Being reassured

…they slowly learn that love isn’t something they have to fight for.

And that’s where the real calm begins, right in the middle of the chaos.